I used to do everything. I was a go-getter. I never let anything stop me or get in my way, especially when it came to my autonomy and most importantly my daughter. I’ve been meek my whole life but when it comes to creative solutions, sparks of inspiration, protecting the ones I love, nothing will get in my way. If anything does, I’ve already formulated twelve different plans of action that will get me there. I have always adapted and pivoted in any way possible.
Then one day I let go of the reigns. It was bound to happen after years of ceaseless ambition. I never once stopped to admire myself, my tenacity, my endurance, my resiliency. I never took the time to feel good about how much I accomplished. I’ve always been too focused on staying on track with eyes on the ground, moving and moving and moving, I can’t stop I have to keep going or else… Or else what? My life will come crashing down around me and I’ll have nothing to show for it? My friends and family will hate me and leave me? Well, yes actually, that’s exactly what I’ve been running from my entire life. To me, if I’m not achieving anything or doing something that gets me there, I’m a complete loser and utterly useless to those around me. And that, to me, was not a life worth living.
I’m at a point in my life where that fiery ambition is still alive and well inside, aching to get out and shine, but I’ve been stagnant for so long with loved ones actually helping me this time that I feel useless and lost. For the first time in my life I’m actually slowing down and not rushing to the next accomplishment, the next checkmark on my list. But I’m getting restless. I get anxious over the smallest things. I feel embarrassed when I don’t do the chores knowing my husband will pick it up without quarrel. I have this dormant energy that I don’t know how to get out. Life goes on and here I am in my own world trying to think of ways to feel alive again without being anxious or embarrassed over my ideas, interests, and borderline insane determination.