I feel like I don’t deserve whatever I want. I don’t deserve to buy things because we need the money to pay off debt and, you know, survive. I don’t deserve to lay around all day relaxing, I don’t deserve anything. It makes me feel like a selfish, guilty person wanting for any damn thing.
I believe it shouldn’t be this way. I believe we all should be able to live how we want to live, but circumstances, society, and culture get in the way. So I go on to blame myself for all my shortcomings because who am I to blame anyone or thing but myself? I’m the one manufacturing my pain and displeasure. I’m the one withholding things from myself because it’s I’m the one holding myself to an impossibly high standard all of the time.
Relaxing? That’s selfish. Buying myself clothes or skincare to make me feel better? No, we need that money to get out of debt. That’s beyond selfish of me to want anything!! See where I’m getting at?
Then there are times I’m in the daily rhythm of life and things feel relatively normal, but that has stopped. I cannot, will not be satisfied until my debt is completely gone. I just love making myself feel horrible for being myself.
Oh don’t get me started on work. Just don’t even. I’m lucky they need people or else I’d have been booted a while ago. The human experience is struggle until you don’t. And the more I struggle, the more I hate myself. Not the world, but the person I am in this world. I don’t belong in this world the way it is. Because I am selfish and want more for myself. A lot more.
I want to be a millionaire. I want to help people. I want to be home most of the time and go out whenever I want, to wherever I want, and not have to worry about how much money I’m spending because this time around I see myself as the value, as the commodity. I should have money growing somewhere that I don’t even need to worry about or look at because I know I’m taken care of.
We are supposed to live comfortably. Like celebrities without the recognition. Is that so hard to fucking ask for? Clearly it is.
I want the comfort of a life well lived, with fresh fruits and vegetables available to me at all times. I want to be able to stay up however late I want and not worry about getting up to work the next day. I want to sleep in every day. I want to nap as much as I want. Sleep is important, it extends our life.
Work just wants us to be sleep deprived, unhappy, and die early because they don’t care, they just need to make as much money as possible by using us.
Everything I said is childish and not well thought out so don’t come for me. I never said any of this is correct or true. I just want more for myself. So much more. And I want it yesterday.